It’s that time of year again the Aussie Christmas is coming at us faster than a last plane out of Sydney.
Here at Bogan Bingo we want to know just how Bogan your Christmas really is? Does going home feel like you're one of the characters in Flame Trees? Do you find some friends to say “you’re doing well”. Is the happy hour at one or two hotels just an esky in your back yard?
Standing around and talking shit is a bit part of a Bogan Christmas, and you sometimes have to dig pretty deep and embrace your inner bogan just to fit in with those weird uncles and bogan aunts. Some of you after two beers won’t have to dig deep at all, but for the rest of us city slickers who have to make the ritualistic drive back to our home town to either celebrate or survive another Christmas, we’ve got some survival tips to help you get through the day:
Music: Get that obscure Christmas play list going. Nostalgia is key! For example, what happens when you cross Chisel with Christmas? The Tin Lids!
You’ll already be spoiled for choice this year with Johnny Farnham and Olivia Newton John topping up their Super with a new Christmas album coming out but if you really want to bring you bogan family together, we’ve done the hard work here for you with Rodney Rude’s classic, Santa Claus ya c..t, (where’s me fricken bike)”. And before you get offended, remember your kids are probably having a field day with this at school at the moment, as every Aussie kid should!
(We especially like putting this on Facebook for my overseas friends, so proud).
Greetings: When someone asks (again) “Hows it been going mate”, and you haven’t seen them for a year. Don’t waste your time watching their eyes glaze over as you tell them how you’ve volunteered in Cambodia, started a new business or enrolled your kids into a Steiner School. Just respond with an animated “Fucking shithouse” and see what happens. If they dont get interested after that then save ya breath, and go play cricket with the kids.
Food - Who the hell brings mince pies every fricken year?! Time to think outside the square and really make an impression. Grab two packs of chicken nuggets, cover in tomato paste, throw on cheese and whack in the oven. Whilst mum is in the kitchen with the roast or dad is turning the snags on the Barbie, you’re on the front foot swaggering around with a tray of mini parma’s!
Everyone is impressed, entertained and sober enough to remember that you stole the show. And probably be expected to do it every year.
Gift receiving: Tired of receiving the same gift every year? Best act now. Leak a Facebook selfie or post that shows you dont want or need them. A quick selfie with 20 bars of soap conveniently in the background just might give them the hint. Other than that, upon receiving the gift, we recommending entertaining yourself, by over dramatising the emotion, holding it close to your chest and asking them, ‘How did you know”.
Bonding: Simmo from our WA branch has whipped this up:
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true blue gave to me, 12 Ciggys flaring, 11 flannos waving, 10 workboots scuffing, 9 mullets blowing, 8 tatts glowing, 7 stubbies downing, 6 smokos taking, 5 golden teeth, 4 Holden utes, 3 Ford wagons, 2 blokes names Johnno and some cricket on the telly!
Remember first of all that preparation is key, if the big event is being held at your place then your responsibility to hand our cards and presents is made redundant but a quick trip down the servo offers a wide range of gifts from $10 obscure action movie DVDs to some wanky vouchers of the same value. Just make sure your own esky filled with ice and watch that puppy get loaded up with enough booze to leave you a days full of leftovers to get you through to lunch in the Boxing Day test. Hopefully the Aussies are still batting.
So thats our quick flick survival guide. Good luck, follow our rules and when your time comes to fake that smile and pretend you're happy to see everyone, reach for that esky, think of the kids in Africa and ask...